Tuesday, 29 September 2015

Do-er or stew-er?

Which are you?  I am a do-er, I am sure.  It is therefore frustrating me that the EFG seems to be someone who stews.......I have had several messages from her overnight about how worried she is, to the point of feeling sick, about the girl coming back to the flat tomorrow.

I feel for both of them, all of them, in this situation, and I am feeling frustrated about the miles, as I said the other day.  I have just spent half an hour discussing strategies and possible actions with the EFG on the phone, things she could do, people she could speak to for advice and support......I suspect that when I get to speak to her again tonight, she won't have done much apart from come up with a few reasons why it wasn't a good idea to do any of them.....I really hope she has done something, but I won't be surprised if she hasn't.

My concern is that if all the stress of this makes her ill and she has to come home, the university will ask who she told, who she asked for help, where she went to chat with people, and whether she spoke to her doctor, for example.  They can't help her if they don't know she needs help, after all.

Half of me wants to jump on a train to Aberdeen in the next couple of hours and go to sort it out for her, but the more sensible half is saying that no, she is 19 and she needs to grow through this and deal with it.  The less sensible half may win out in the end as I am still worried - I'll wave as I travel up the country if I do go!  I have already checked the train fares and timetables........there's a bus service from Dundee to Aberdeen because of a derailment of a freight train at Broughty Ferry.

At least I can pray.

14 comments:

Frugally challenged said...

And I can pray too.

Dc said...

Same as us with DS in his first term - got there in the end!

phyllis weaving said...

I would of thought there is help at the uni for them all. has she asked,

Barbara said...

I feel for you, it's so hard. I can remember when my daughter was at University and was phoning three or four times a day because she was so unhappy. Thankfully she was only an hour away, and I could easily bring her home when I needed to which wasn't actually that often.
Problems with flat mates are far more common that you would think, you only learn this later on. Eight years on my daughter just says 'it was character building
Mum'.
No easy answer I'm afraid, but you are in my thoughts ❤️X

Philip said...

Hello
It is stressful living with someone with mental health difficulties or going through a period of emotional distress. Hopefully the girl will be in a better state when she returns and her mother will have arranged something whilst she was away. Your daughter and her flat mates need to understand they do not have to take full responsibility for the girl's welfare. Any decisions could be shared with the other flat mates. They should feel comfortable about phoning the girl's mother if need be. Perhaps there could be a discussion along those lines when the mother brings her back. The university may have a student mental health support service who could get involved. Are they in university accommodation? The accommodation manager could be another resource if living with the girl becomes difficult. Your daughter and the other flat mates may feel uncomfortable contacting other services because of fear of breaking a confidence or appearing to interfere, but the girl is living with them and even if taking any action causes problems later your daughter and her co-residents should feel reassured that they are acting in the girls's best interest. The key thing I think is for the flat mates to have a discussion about what to do if the situation deteriorates again with the girl and her mum on their return when hopefully the girl is in a settled state. You may have already said this to your daughter already.

Mindo said...

I've had to deal with problems from long distances where I couldn't get on a train (it would have been a costly plane journey), and know that it can be very difficult when your children are in distress. However I do agree with your sentiment that your daughter is 19 and, hard as it is, should be able to get through this. My stance would be to keep up the phone conversations and gently encourage her to phone/visit someone who can help. I know that with one of my children I had to get a bit tough, and with the other one I used gentle persuasion. Of course only you can know your daughter so, if you do have to travel I hope you can enjoy the trip!

Morgan said...

Thank you all for your supportive comments. It IS very stressful, and I have tried to help her understand that this girl is not their responsibility, but it is hard for them when she comes home drunk at 3 am and is banging about in the flat unable to find her room - they have to get up and put her to bed or put up with the noise she is making until she finds her bed....unfortunately, her general behaviour, from what I have heard, does not endear her to them. Anyway, I am hoping to hear from the EFG later on tonight and fingers crossed that some progress will have been made. Thank you all again x

Angela said...

Thoughts and prayers - but EFG needs to try and sort this one out with her other housemates [has she got a tutor she can speak to?] rather than you rushing up there.

Morgan said...

I agree, Ang, and emailing the tutor was on the list of suggestions this morning. Hope she does, and gets a response! Have also told her to go in to Student Support and Advice in the InfoHub today and talk to them. I think she is frightened to talk to people because she thinks she will cry, and she hates that, but I've said that she just needs to talk to them and let them know that the four of them need help. Prayers? Thank you.

Regena Fickes said...

I am praying. Please keep us updated.

Morgan said...

Thank you. I have had an email confirming that she has emailed the tutor's PA, and has an appointment to speak with someone at Student Support.

S - thank you for your wise words. Much appreciated x

Angela said...

That's good to hear - I am sure things will work out

mallowlark said...

Thoughts and prayers to you, the EFG, and the other girls. If she's nervous about crying when she talks to people about it, could perhaps one of the other girls go with her? Does the accommodation she's in have a junior dean or warden or someone else on site to deal with problems? If so, does that person know about the situation? I have also found that university chaplains are often an excellent resource for things like this, as they tend to have a good supply of tea/biscuits/tissues as needed, as well as an excellent knowledge of what other support is available.

A slight caveat on the tutor: I hope the EFG's is excellent, but personal tutors don't always have much training for welfare issues --- he or she may or may not know the resources available either, although they should be generally supportive and be able to advise if it's affecting academic work.

Frugal in Bucks said...

I've just had a catch up on blog reading and seen your last 2 posts. A horrible situation for all concerned. Without sounding harsh on the young lady who is self harming, can EFG find elsewhere to live? She and the others as expected all sound like caring young women and not the sort to just roll over and go back to sleep and perhaps it would be best to move to other accommodation where she won't be so stressed. Anyway, hope it all works out whatever happens. All part of life's rich tapestry as my mother says. Sending love xxxx