Saturday, 30 June 2012

Searching for peace

Not world peace, or anything as deep and meaningful as that, but just a quiet space.  In a house full of all of us, it feels very difficult to find a space for me, in which I can be quite, read, study, think or pray.

There's the bedroom - not "my bedroom" because it is shared, of course - I am not the Queen!  Last night is a case in point: the EFG and the FH were watching tv in the lounge, and the YFG had gone to bed, and was asleep.  I thought I would sneak off upstairs to work on some new ideas for the fundraising, and to just have some thinking time.  I might as well have announced to the world that I was off, for within 5 minutes, they had both joined me, and were now watching tv in the bedroom.  The FH was in bed, and the EFG was sprawled across the foot of the bed, and they were making comments on the programme they were enjoying.    All thoughts of thinking (yes, that is a pun!) had gone out of the window, and I huffed and puffed a little, made a comment about going to sleep being easier at Paddington Station, and settled myself on the edge of the bed and went to sleep.  I do go to sleep easily, I know.

I had a conversation this morning with the FH about this, and he said he needs to have the tv on for a little whilst he settles himself for sleep.  Mmmm.  I am wary of making too much fuss about the tv because I am very conscious that at his age and with his medical problems, he does need relaxation, and watching tv constitutes his relaxation - he doesn't read, and anything else he does involves activity, like gardening, which he isn't always up to doing.  He CAN read, by the way - but he won't read fiction, and seems to find reading a chore, so I don't push it, but I do buy him books for his birthday/Christmas sometimes about railways, people like Fred Dibnah, or the British coastline/countryside, which he will dip into occasionally.

And the lounge is a busy place, most of the time.  There's a tv in there, which is in use most evenings, if not for the tv then for the Wii, or to watch a DVD.  The FH and the girls also use the laptops in the lounge, sometimes, and they pop in and out if they are doing something elsewhere.

The little room which was a dining room once, and might have been an office for a while, and is now rather scruffy and cluttered, has a computer in - the one I am on now - but there is no real desk space, no room for a comfy chair, and the piano is in here - so folk pop in for a go on the piano now and again, or to perch on the piano stool whilst they chat.......

I think "A room of one's own" [as Virginia Woolf called it] is required!  Not sure where to find one of those, though, and I have no room in the garden at the moment, or I would acquire a cheap caravan!  I sort of miss having the motorhome parked in the garden, as I did disappear into that a few times, which is what made me think of a caravan, but I imagine that might be quite chilly in the winter.

Some days, I long for everyone to go out and leave me alone!!  I am not a terribly sociable person, and I am very happy to be left in my own company for hours at a time - I don't pine for people around me, although I am always pleased to see them on their return.


Wannabe Sybil said...

I think you need to book time not space. I don't know whether it would work, but say, I need to take x time for me (or purpose) so until x then you need to leave me alone!

Hugs - it is hard, and you really need it. You do so much, you must be careful not to neglect yourself. Hope all is going well. WS xxx

Morgan said...

I do see what you mean, but I still need to identify somewhere to go to be left alone!

They all seem to perceive that I want company...