Holy Saturday

Today the weather has been lovely and we have spent some time in the garden. The sky has been a glorious blue and clouds have been sweeping along on the wind. The washing has dried and the birds have been singing their little hearts out in the trees. It has been really nice.

How very different from how we imagine that day when Jesus was in the tomb: how very sad and grieving were his family and friends, his disciples and his followers. So much promise, so many hopes,  all dashed as he died on the cross yesterday. Today his body lies in the tomb, safe behind the massive rock that was placed at the entrance.

Today I have read reflections which have said that yes, that rock was there to keep Jesus' body safe from grave robbers who may have wanted to take it away, but other reflections saw that rock as symbolic to the obstacles in our way during our lives, the burdens that hold us back. Perhaps you can see both sides of that? I can, but I think I prefer today to think of the rock as holding Jesus' body safe whilst the battle raged for Christ to overcome death and to be resurrected. That resonates for me with the current war we are waging against corona virus - and all our front doors are shut tight to keep us safe whilst the scientists and frontline workers do battle on our behalf, just as Christ did back then.

To be shut in a tomb would be a nightmare for someone who suffers from claustrophobia, a dark place with no light, no air, no windows, and no easy way out. There are a number of films in which people get locked in mausoleums, and I have every sympathy for those characters.  I woke up one morning this week in the early hours, got up and flung open the window, muttering, "I must have air!" before getting back into bed. We sleep in pitch blackness with blackout blinds, and the windows are usually closed: the OH doesn't sleep well and is sensitive to every noise and possible disturbance. This isn't the way I want to sleep but one has to make sacrifices for those one loves, at least occasionally! But I can imagine that a tomb would be like that - dark and airless - and how desperately one who was alive would want to escape... And we want this experience now to be over, we want to be able to get out and live in the world again, free to see our friends and family, to be able to travel and enjoy life - this lockdown feels like incarceration to some, I am hearing, and I am so sorry for those who feel like that.

Just as we are promised that Sunday is coming, that Resurrection is coming, that the resurrected Christ is coming, we can be sure that the end of this lockdown will come eventually. The question for me is one of wondering how we will be different after it? The Risen Christ is different from Jesus, and the world, for the disciples at least, is different once they know that Christ has risen - how will we find the world when we emerge again? It is going to take longer than tomorrow morning for us, but will we be ready? Can we take hold of all the lessons of community spirit, of caring for one another, of generosity and appreciation, and live differently in a post-pandemic world? 

Good Friday 2020

Good Friday 2020

This afternoon, as I sat in the garden with a cup of tea, taking a break from the kitchen, I heard a chainsaw somewhere in the neighbourhood. My thoughts turned to Jesus’ cross, and who might have made it, and the irony of a carpenter making a cross upon which another carpenter would die. I wondered how that might have felt.

My thoughts then turned to how those of us who create things feel about our creations. I have spent much of the day in the kitchen, making brownies, lemon cake, and banana bread, and then I helped my stepson make a steak pie for tea. The banana bread was the only disaster – I made it with every good intention but it has unfortunately ended up beyond edible and only fit for the birds. I have a sense of disappointment about that.  Despite that, I am happy that the other cakes turned out well and can be enjoyed. I am happy although I know that my creations will soon disappear.

Lots of us are creative, but I think there is a special kind of person who can make something knowing that it will be destroyed. I think back to July 2014 when my elder stepson spent hours lovingly crafting a wooden coffin for his father’s body, knowing that within days that beautiful creation would go up flames in the crematorium. I remember the grace and love with which he worked on that precious project.

And so my thoughts turned to God, sending his beloved Son to be our Messiah, knowing that the fulfilment of scripture would be the breaking of that precious body on the cross. For me, I know that my God would have felt enormous pain in that death, although God knew that the resurrection would come.

On this day, I feel sadness and pain at the way Jesus was treated, how shameful his death because humanity “knew him not” and for me, it is a day of regret and penitence; when I think about what my faith means to me and how I live [or fail to live] for Christ. But today I found some respite in realising that God knows about seasons and intentions: that God sent Jesus to be with us, for a season, and that Jesus had a purpose – to bring humanity back to God – and then his time would be done. To have a grasp of that, I can remember that other creations, though far less divine, might also just be for a season, and that we might hold on to them more lightly if we realised that.

Loss is devastating, and as a widow, I know that – I might be the OH’s wife now but I will always be the FH's widow. In this terrible pandemic, the global society is losing loved ones at an alarming rate, and the way that death is having to happen in the current circumstances is incredibly sad: those who die separated from their loved ones, and the families and friends unable to be with them yet desperate to share last words, last loving words, and the anguish that that causes will always be unanswerable. In this awful season, I draw some comfort from knowing that Jesus knew the pain of dying alone on that cross, and that God knows the pain of that separation too.

Lord Jesus, who knows our every pain, we pour out our regret today, our sadness and our repentance. Forgive us, for our sins as we remember your gift of yourself for us. Don’t let us hold on to things which are past, when you want us to give our energy to the future. Don’t let us live in the sadness of Good Friday and overlook the hope of the days yet to come. Amen.

A Reflection for Maundy Thursday

John 13.1-20

Maundy Thursday in lockdown is different from any other: we are unable to come together to worship, to share Communion, to recall that Last Supper in the upper room. I have had some memorable experiences on this day through the years, all of them spent in congregational groups. We have to find another way through this one, and perhaps for me, it is a call to a greater intimacy with Christ instead of hoping to share it with others.

Studying for Methodist ministry as a student deacon, I am more drawn to John's account of this night with the powerful description of Jesus as he humbly tied a towel at his waist and knelt right down there to wash his disciples' feet. There is an intimacy, a gentleness, in the description and it feels to me as if Jesus would have been careful to wash each foot thoroughly, taking his time and concentrating on one after the other. I can imagine the others watching as he made his way around the room, each perhaps slightly incredulous that their master, their leader, was on his knees washing their feet in that most lowly of roles.

Feet are a very personal part of our anatomy - we often keep them covered up in shoes for much of the year in this country, and it is very different from the context back then. Their feet were exposed to dirt and dust and even dung, if we are honest, and they must have needed a good washing very often! How different from the faint and slightly cheesy pong that might emanate from a pair of shoes we have had on all day! I recall the Bible stories that tell of how the disciples walked miles with Jesus and think of how important it would have been to them to have had healthy feet, able to walk those miles with him.  Many of us don't like to have people touching our feet and the instances of public foot washing these days are lessening. Pope Francis caused a stir in 2015 by washing the feet of prison inmates and then in 2016 of refugees - this is a pope who is not one for staged niceties but actually gets out there with real people.

Today as I write this, my feet are nicely wrapped up in socks and trainers, and probably will be so for most of the day. That will enable me to do kitchen work, pop in and out to the garden, be comfortable and make sure that I don't tread on anything dodgy in my bare feet in the garden. I do however live with a family who prefer bare and stockinged feet so I'm different. It is good to be different sometimes! Indeed, Christ calls us as his followers to be different in his name, to live for him and in him whilst being in the world, in order to show the world what he brings to our lives.

This Maundy Thursday, as I think about the foot washing in John's gospel, I know that my calling is to be alongside people like me who might need a bit of a spruce up, spiritually, mentally or physic; to listen to stories - and some of them are painful to share, to hear and to hold; and to be as close as I can be to Christ as I allow him near my vulnerable places, to allow him to wash me clean. I am always in need of his forgiveness, and he promises that there is nothing we can do which can overcome his love for us, so he will always wash us clean when we come to him in repentance. He calls us to wash one another's feet, to a holy intimacy of care for one another, and that is the lockdown message at the moment - stay at home and protect the vulnerable - and so we can do that in his name, to his glory and by his word. Let's show that love for one another by staying at home!

Father, as we remember Christ's passion this week, as we stay apart and are unable to share together in person, grant us your peace in this situation. As we think of the intimacy of the foot washing, grant us wisdom to know who might need a personal word of encouragement this week, whispered quietly or written lovingly in a letter. Help us by your grace to have some measure of Christ's gentleness with others today. Amen.

Thank you

It was really exciting to see your comments appearing in my inbox over the last few days. Thank you for your warmth and encouragements - much appreciated.

I'm now in my third week of not going out, and it is fine for me - I have so much to do that it is not, for me, a big deal not to be going here and there. I explained to the OH the other day that it is actually a great freedom from the routine of life at college that I am not expected to be anywhere or do anything at a particular time just now. My time is my own and it is like a little sabbatical from the quite rigorous expectations of the college routine.

Life at college is very regimented: 0915-1215 lectures, with a half hour break for coffee. 1230 - 1300 Chapel 1300 lunch. That much is the everyday routine. Then we have Cell groups once a week - we meet on Tuesdays at 1400. Some weeks there is a community meeting at 1530 for an hour. At 1700 on Tuesdays and Wednesdays there is a communion service, and it is mandatory to attend one or other. Dinner on those days is provided and is served at 1800. Wednesday afternoons is mostly free, but there has been a lecture on Thursday afternoons both terms so far, until 1600 in the first term and 1645 in the second. After that, I'm preparing to travel - I come home on the 1915 out of Birmingham New Street on Thursday evenings which gets me back here around 2200 if I am lucky.  And then I am at home until about 1645 on Sunday afternoons when the OH takes me back to the station here to head back south to Brum. Another student travels from Wigan so we meet up at the station and go back to college together most weeks.

When I am in the college, the routine feels comforting and regular, but once released from it, I have taken some time to adjust to a new schedule at home in the past few weeks. The YFG and I exercise in the mornings, taking over the sitting room for our DVD sessions, by which time the OH has done half an hour on the exercise bike and disappeared off to shower and then to his study. I make a point of cleaning all the "contact points" in the house each morning, which for me are door handles, light switches, taps and toilet flush handles, the doors/handles/dials of the white goods like the fridge, the washing machine, the microwave and the freezer, and then the knobs of the cooker and the oven handle. The kettle handle and lid finish it off and I am done - though if I have missed anything that you clean regularly, do shout. I do also clean the doorbell, the letterbox and the door handles at the front door too - we are having quite a few online deliveries at the moment.

I am finding that housekeeping is a comforting routine and I have even done some baking again. I bought a new bread machine a few weeks ago and have enjoyed digging out old recipes and making them again. So pleased to read that some of my old recipes shared here are still in regular use! The sausage plait is a recipe we introduced to the OH the other month and he enjoyed it too. He doesn't eat much cake, though he is a bit of a stress-eater of chocolate.  I have to say though that we have discovered that when everything is clean (crockery AND clothing), there isn't enough room in the cupboard for all the mugs, and the wardrobe is a bit stuffed - I think that the OH was quite used to his laundry cycle taking a long time pre-marriage and had bought quite a lot of clothes....now that the washing cycle is faster, more of them need to be in the wardrobe at the same time!!

The YFG gave me a FatFace knitting kit to make a bobble hat in 2015, and I still haven't made it, so I dug it out this morning and it may become my pandemic project!  The girls have got out the YFG's sewing machine and there has been much going on in the conservatory - the EFG has learned remarkably quickly! She is also involved in some online projects, like learning Norwegian, so she is keeping herself occupied whilst the YFG and I are studying.

Today is Palm Sunday, so the OH and I have decorated the front window with green paper palm leaves, and we shared a simple spiritual activity together before lunch. There is a multiplicity of worship currently available  online, mostly through Facebook connections, but he is working hard to keep in touch with less technological congregants. We have heard today of his first member to go into hospital with an infection so he is worrying about her, but there is no indication yet that it is Covid19. He is in touch with the family and we are praying. The niece of another member has sadly died, so we are remembering that family too.

I give thanks for this community in times like these - for the encouragements, for the resources, for the sharing and the kindnesses, for the inspiration. We don't know what the future holds in the coming days, but we travel the road in the company of Jesus and those whom we love, and we can draw a little comfort from that, I believe.  Stay safe, keep well and keep in touch with all for whom you care and pray.

Back soon xx

Anyone there?

Oh my goodness - we are back!

This seemed the right time to come back to this space again - whether anyone is out there reading it or not, it will be a record of these days for us in the future.

Coronavirus has come to Carlisle in significant numbers, much higher numbers than the Fens are currently experiencing, apparently. The YFG's uni has closed and moved all lectures online until September, so she is  home with us, and the college I attend in Birmingham has also closed for the foreseeable future: we are waiting to hear from the tutors how we are going to be taught next term.

A bit of catching up seems necessary:

The EFG passed her Masters at Edinburgh with Merit and moved home with us in July last year. She has been applying for lots of science jobs and had many interviews but nothing has come right for her just yet. She was taken on by Asda in the pre-Christmas boom and is still there - she has a 16 hour contract but usually works up to twice that as they haven't enough staff. She is currently off with pay for about a month as she has asthma and we want her to stay at home whilst the virus peaks. She will review that situation at the end of the period.

The YFG has been thriving in many areas of her life, like uni and gymnastics, but she's battling some health issues. We finally got to a consultant in January, who ordered an MRI and a colonoscopy, as well as multiple blood tests. The next appointment to go back is in June. He seemed convinced that her issues might be in the bowel, but she had another very painful three hour episode in the middle of the night Thursday night, and I am still more convinced that it is something to do with her gallbladder....we shall see.  The Geography degree course had included a week in a major international city as part of one of the modules, so they started off aiming for Hong Kong but the rioting stopped that, and they moved the plan to Singapore,  which the virus outbreak ended. London was on the cards for about a week and now, of course, all travel has been cancelled, so they will have to redesign that module, she thinks, or change their plans!

My stepson started his A level courses in September and is working incredibly diligently at RS, PE and Geography. 

The OH is working hard to support his congregation in the midst of this - we can more easily contact those who have the internet but we are desperately working on communications with those who are limited to less high-flying tech like radio, television and phone. He spends time on the phone each afternoon making pastoral phone calls to his flock, and has written a service to share with his people each week so far that the churches have been closed.

I've LOVED the college course in Birmingham and it has been a wonderful experience - the 18 of us in my cohort all get on together quite well, and we spend each morning [Monday - Thursday] in lectures, as well as Thursday afternoons. The college is a great place and the accommodation is very comfortable - single study bedrooms with en-suites, and lunch provided every day, as well as two evening meals. I have passed every module so far - no exams, just essay writing, and I am currently working on another set of essays to be handed in early April.

My dad had his 90th birthday in October and we had a very small get together which I was able to attend with the OH. Dad is definitely very frail, but he has care in the mornings to help his partner, and he remains in good spirits - the thing with my dad is that he is incredibly content!

I shall sort out some photos soon and get them on here, but I promised that last time and they didn't appear, so don't hold your breath. That last trip to the Cotswolds was lovely, then we had a few days near Pickering in July. We spent a weekend in Crieff followed by a couple of days in St Andrews to celebrate our first wedding anniversary so last year we did get around quite a bit. Oberammagau was on the cards for this summer but they have postponed the performance until 2022, so we shall have to rebook for then.

Take care of yourselves and do say HELLO if you pop in!

Results are in, decisions are made

image from https://www.enidblytonsociety.co.uk/st-clares.php

That might give you a clue, friends! I'm to commute to Queen's in Birmingham on a weekly basis, beginning in September, for a two year course. I shall start in the first year with a Certificate in Theology, Mission and Ministry, and aim to convert it to a Diploma in the second year. There's the opportunity to convert it to a BA and continue to do it as probationer studies, but let's not put the cart before the horse, as they say!

It's a challenge I'm looking forward to but I have to be honest and admit that the thought of going back to uni in my later forties is a bit daunting. No one that I have met in the process so far is doing that same arrangement, as they are all either doing the part time option or already live in Birmingham and will come in on a daily basis. I dare say, though, that I shall find new friends and cherish my existing contacts through email and messages, and will meet up very occasionally. We shall be ships that pass in the night, as they will come to Queens for 7 weekends each year on the part time pathway, and I shall be at home on weekends!

It is a term-time arrangement over 33 weeks of the year, and so I shall still be at home for long periods at Christmas, Easter and the summer, which is good when one has not long got married!!

The OH is a bit peeved though that my half term is not closer to our first wedding anniversary - Queens seems to go along with Birmingham school holidays rather than Cumbrian ones, naturally, and my week off falls a week later........he had something up his sleeve apparently and he is "sad" that we can't take that week together. For "sad", one can actually read, "very sad, verging on devastated." But that is life, and we are now, more than ever, going to be bound by terms!

I have handed in my notice with my job and will finish at the end of July. We've a Norfolk holiday planned in August and I shall see my family as well in that window of opportunity. Form filling will be the next chore - I had just got my tax return done, thank goodness - but there will shortly be forms to fill in for the college, and then for the church, to apply for funding etc. The course is fully sponsored by the church, so I have no loans to apply for, which is a blessing, and they give me a monthly bursary to keep me fed and clothed. And, joy of joys, I have discovered that despite being far from the 16-25 age range, I can apply for a railcard as a mature student, which will help the finances of the weekly train journeys to and from Birmingham no end.

The girls are doing well - the EFG is busily doing her dissertation and has her head down, working hard, but managed almost a week here with me not long ago, and that was lovely! The YFG has her last exam of the year tomorrow and then she will be home a week on Saturday, for a short while, before she heads off to Uganda for three weeks...... My stepson is in the midst of his GCSEs and I had a lovely message from him tonight, reminding me that it is a maths exam tomorrow and he will "just do his best" - he and I have worked together on some maths and he has a brilliant mental maths ability but doesn't always write down all the workings so he misses out on vital marks. He hopes to do A levels in September so we are praying he gets the results he needs to do those. 

Your comments and good wishes are a wonderful encouragement to me. Being completely honest, these last six months have not been a bed of roses. I'm still coming to terms with all that I have left behind in the Fens, and the distance between me and those I love there still. I'm getting used to being married to a man I had only really seen on high days and holidays, and the nitty gritty of working life for both of us has been quite different - and he is a younger man with a much more independent streak than the FH ever had, so I have to get used to allowing him to do things his way (and ooh, that's hard sometimes, when of course, I think my way is better ;) but I am getting there!) I'm also dealing with the loss of my beloved bridesmaid, a different job which I haven't really enjoyed very much, although the people are amazing, AND not really having had much opportunity to really make connections within my own denomination here. But God is GOOD, always, and I have been blessed with some brilliant new friends, some dedicated old friends who go the extra mile to keep in touch, daughters who are loving, mature and kind, a stepson who has taken me as I come, and most importantly, a very loving husband who adores me. There is much joy in all of this, despite the challenges, and whilst I do occasionally look back and wonder, I am doing that less and less as God points me forward to the way ahead and asks me to bloom where I am planted [Jer 29.4-14].

We have just had a week off together in the Cotswolds, and when I can move the photos from the phone to the laptop, via email, I shall share that with you too: it was lovely!

Folks, they said yes!

I was going to wait until I had the whole story to share, but I have had a gentle nudge so I'm back with what I know so far!! The selection committee of the Methodist Church has recommended me to be trained as a deacon. That bit is the good news.

What is still uncertain is as to how they intend to do that - there are several options and I still have to attend an interview at The Queen's Foundation in Birmingham on 10th May which will enable them to make the final decision - and I will know the week after. They could send me to Queen's full time as a weekly boarder Sun-Thurs term time for two academic years, or they could train me part time over three years. Both have pros and cons but after lots and lots of discussions here, we think we are coming down in favour of the two year option so that we can get on with it - but the Church has the ultimate decision - and we might ourselves have changed our minds after further chatting by the time the interview comes round. There is just so much to consider.

The interview process last month was just brilliant - the people were amazingly supportive and kind, and we all just felt very cocooned in the environment as we went through the procedures. It was good!  Nerve-wracking, but good!!